Slipping Away

How helpless it could be when you feel a love one slowly slipping away.  A month ago when I Iearned of mom’s health condition, I hardly emailed, hardly talk…maybe because I don’t know how i’m going to deal with the situation. Sadness covered me, but I remained mum. I spent most of my nights reading my brother’s email updates…word per word, feeling their pain, their tears…and their joy if mom responds.  Tears  would roll down my cheeks.  How can I share my time with her when we’re miles apart? How fortunate of those siblings who can give their utmost love, care and attention to an ailing mother. Little did they know that I envied those days, when she can sit on park benches with my brother and share stories. Or spend dinners together with my sisters. I guess for me, my dream of walking down the park with her, watching sunsets will only remain a picture in the mind. 

Yesterday, calls came in.  My sisters are crying, she was rushed in the intensive care.  I would console them, all of us are growing old anyway.  Little did they know that behind those words,  tears filled my eyes. Until i finally broke down when i heard the news…”Mom’s brain is gone”….I cried in pain..when was the last time I saw her? hugged her, and be able to laugh with her?  Only few minute calls kept us together after she left us to stay with my other siblings abroad. How many christmas reunions have we spent without her.  Ah, long years i know…and here she is…slowly slipping away. 

This morning, we had a conference call, and all of us prayed the rosary and The Divine Mercy.  After praying each of us was given time alone to speak with her thru the phone. When my younger sister started her time to talk, I feel like giving up. My chest felt pain like I never felt. This is it, I have to talk all my heart out to her. When my turn came, I just can’t utter words I want to say. Only my breaking voice was heard. I felt like I wasn’t able to say all.   In my mind  I prayed, Lord give me strength…she’s slowly leaving us.

And here i am now, in the pages of my diary.  I know Mama will never read this, but I’d rather have it written, than fade in time.  There’s so much to say, and less time to talk….

“Mama, thank you! What i am today is because of you. I know in my heart that all your dreams for me, i fulfilled. Because I know a mother’s wish is always the best for her child, I obeyed.  How you raised me is passed on to your grand daughter. You told me once, you can see yourself in me when I was growing. And I proudly say, because I look just like you. Do I? Oh Mama, why do you have to grow old and slowly leave us? Have not we dream of having that grand reunion that all of us can sing to you like the good old days? And you will laugh at each one of us’ funny stories? Don’t leave so soon Mama….don’t slip away….I love you!”