Birthday Girl

 It’s my birthday…third day of the third month of the year.  The day started  with greetings and wishes left and right. The feeling of being remembered in one of your special days, is great.  Some would tease me on age guessing.  Funny, every year, i’m on a state of denial.  And every year,  they tease me i’m nearing my senior citizenship. It’s a long way to go…but i’m not denying that I mature yearly.  I thought of those years that were…how many decades have passed? Well, change the question please. I was asked by a friend, “where’s the party?”.  Honestly, i’m no party celebrator. I’d rather have a simple get together or a dinner  for a special day.  But today, I had my day off. I was out with my better half.  We planned a special weekend trip up south instead to have my daughter with us.

At the end of the day, as i take a sip of my green tea coffee, and read all the wishes on my mobile,  I vividly remember no sad birthday for me, everytime, it’s always Happy, always Special. There are special gifts that I receive for a special day like this. Most treasured are wishes from friends and love ones. A friend asked, what best gift I got today…and I replied, “the best birthday gift I receive is the one from God, happiness deep inside, serenity at every sunrise, succes in every facet of my life, family beside me, caring friends, Love that never ends, Good health within me, beautiful memories of yesterdays, a nice day with so much to be thankful for,  a pathway leading to better tomorrow, dreams that manage to come true, and a great appreciation for whatever I do.

Happy Birthdays will be a one day affair. From the time i got all the greetings this morning, and the time I finish  my last sip of coffee. One special day, I aged… I matured. I’m touched by those who remembered and greeted me. And I thank  God for another year of  journey towards a better life.

Gone From My Sight…Forever

It took me 16 sleepless hours preparing myself seeing mom after so many years. She knew we were coming…the tears  from her eyes tell…and it was the saddest reunion. Prayers filled the room in the midst of sobs. The nurse talked to us and prepared us for whatever will happen. We were expecting the worst, God knows it’s difficult to accept but even He, prepared us for this. Each day is painful, most especially when the visiting Hospice Nurse talked to us to confirm her  deteriorating condition. I hear pain between her moans. And as I held her hand and feel the dropping tempreture, I would whisper in her ear. I know thats the least I can do, talk to her….until finally, she’s gone. 10 painful days with mom, watching her slowly leave us…now she’s gone forever.  I don’t think I can say much….I see how mom was loved by the number of people who came to pay their last respect.

 To those who were with us on those last days with Mom…my deepest thanks.  To Dutch who made mom feel like his own mother…you will be a brother to us. To Aunt Delia, my mom’s best friend,  whom I felt mom’s presence on our day out..we love you.  And to those who loved and cared for mom, we thank you. Mom’s gone, but her memories will always live with us…..

Slipping Away

How helpless it could be when you feel a love one slowly slipping away.  A month ago when I Iearned of mom’s health condition, I hardly emailed, hardly talk…maybe because I don’t know how i’m going to deal with the situation. Sadness covered me, but I remained mum. I spent most of my nights reading my brother’s email updates…word per word, feeling their pain, their tears…and their joy if mom responds.  Tears  would roll down my cheeks.  How can I share my time with her when we’re miles apart? How fortunate of those siblings who can give their utmost love, care and attention to an ailing mother. Little did they know that I envied those days, when she can sit on park benches with my brother and share stories. Or spend dinners together with my sisters. I guess for me, my dream of walking down the park with her, watching sunsets will only remain a picture in the mind. 

Yesterday, calls came in.  My sisters are crying, she was rushed in the intensive care.  I would console them, all of us are growing old anyway.  Little did they know that behind those words,  tears filled my eyes. Until i finally broke down when i heard the news…”Mom’s brain is gone”….I cried in pain..when was the last time I saw her? hugged her, and be able to laugh with her?  Only few minute calls kept us together after she left us to stay with my other siblings abroad. How many christmas reunions have we spent without her.  Ah, long years i know…and here she is…slowly slipping away. 

This morning, we had a conference call, and all of us prayed the rosary and The Divine Mercy.  After praying each of us was given time alone to speak with her thru the phone. When my younger sister started her time to talk, I feel like giving up. My chest felt pain like I never felt. This is it, I have to talk all my heart out to her. When my turn came, I just can’t utter words I want to say. Only my breaking voice was heard. I felt like I wasn’t able to say all.   In my mind  I prayed, Lord give me strength…she’s slowly leaving us.

And here i am now, in the pages of my diary.  I know Mama will never read this, but I’d rather have it written, than fade in time.  There’s so much to say, and less time to talk….

“Mama, thank you! What i am today is because of you. I know in my heart that all your dreams for me, i fulfilled. Because I know a mother’s wish is always the best for her child, I obeyed.  How you raised me is passed on to your grand daughter. You told me once, you can see yourself in me when I was growing. And I proudly say, because I look just like you. Do I? Oh Mama, why do you have to grow old and slowly leave us? Have not we dream of having that grand reunion that all of us can sing to you like the good old days? And you will laugh at each one of us’ funny stories? Don’t leave so soon Mama….don’t slip away….I love you!”

Milenyo

It’s past midnight and the downpour of rain woke me up. How can I ever get over the fear of strong rains and thunders? I know that with the place we live in right now, i’m safer. But the nightmare of that storm of 2006 continuously haunt me.

It was October of 2006, past 7am when we rushed to work. Seeing the dark clouds and strong winds we never thought that it will be one dreadful day for me. As I reached my office, I realized work was cancelled due to the storm signal. It was difficult for me to travel back home since rain started pouring.  It took me more than an hour and the trip was a bit dangerous. I saw billboard on the streets, some cut trees on the service road and roofs half removed from houses and buildings. Traffic met me along the national road. I can see some houses under flood and some evacuated already. As I reach the village, strong rains keep pouring so decided to shield myself at a convenience store.

It took me quite awhile before reaching home. There was no rain at all and my neighbors are sweeping some leaves on the street. As I changed my clothes, in just 5 mins, I heard people calling me, screaming that I get out. It was then I realized, gushing mud and flood entered the house. I can’t save anything I thought except my bag and myself. It was too fast…in just a minute or two, it was leg deep. Neighbors are calling me to get out. In shock, I locked the doors and decided to climb the fence and hold on to the grills. I feel the rain drops over me.

I was trembling and feel so helpless that no one can save me. Everyone in the village is as shock as I am. But I was all alone, and can’t think of anything more than saving myself. Water went feet high on my position, so I decided to climb the roof of the dog house to elevate myself more, but flood keep coming and I need to look for a higher, safer place.

Thank heavens, rain stopped, and I decided to sit on top of the fence. Everyone was busy saving their things. I was crying  helpless hearing our dogs’ cry. How will I save him when I cant go down myself? Slowly now, the water is getting higher, I can see the windows an inch higher than the mud and flood. I was watching and thinking what to do, I can hear our things one by one falling, the sound of flood gushing are even giving me trembles. My neighbors decided to pull me up to the roof. Everyone I guess are on their roof that moment.

I had bruise and wounds, but safety is most important. I was freezing, and tried to call for help. My daughter called the National Disaster Coordinating Council but I guess even them cant get to help. I was crying when I called my husband. They are helpless I know, but I just needed comfort that very moment.

I was in shock. Half of the house is under water, our dog is struggling, and I am freezing up on the roof, not able to save any of our things. Few more hours and the water subsided, it was dark already and everyone is getting down to check on their houses. Flood was knee high, but since its dark, my neigbors decided to stay in their houses.

My imagination scared me more. What if there are snakes or something that might bite me? Nanay (my elderly neighbor) offered me coffee to warm me up. I remember sitting on a couch’ s arm rest to be able to get my feet higher. I was very tired and sleepy.

It was past 9pm when my husband came with my brother- in- law. Seeing him, I was assured of safety and comfort. I remembered his words, “ I will never get you out of my sight”.  When we checked on the house, we know that there’s so much work to do. And our dog is safe on his place

That night we stayed at my in- laws’ house, was given clothing to keep us comfortable. Storm was gone that night but every drop of rain would keep me awake and I would check on my family if they are around. Just to assure myself that i’m with them and i’m safe.

All About Nina

Nina is my Wednesday Girl. We’ve been meeting every wednesdays for few months now.  We’re both Insurance consultants for a Top Insurance Firm and in our work, we sometimes team up with a  buddy to give us a push in our down moments .  So we agreed to go together.  I don’t really go on two’s but this kind of team up helped us both since we’re into corporate businesses. Little did i know that there’s a reason for our partnership…..Friendship.

Nina is 4 yrs my senior, separated, and has 3 children. All of them finished college thru her hard work. One of them, she helped to join the company since he just graduated. She’s a jolly person, with a positive outlook in life. During our break, we would spend afternoon coffees talking about our life and sales experiences. We would end up the day laughing, looking forward to our next Wednesday meeting. But this Wednesday is different. Just after we finished  early with our sales calls, we decided to spend more hours together in our favorite coffee shop. Our conversation was different, it was more personal. She told me more of her life stories. And i discovered, behind her smiles are bitterness. She was befriended and she trusted people  who took advantage of that trust. She lost her savings and ended financially broke. What moved me most is the fact that, even her own family gave up on her the time she needed them most.  I felt how low she she was that very moment. So, that explains her persistent request on team up. She needs someone to talk to and someone to push her to move on. As I listen to her stories, I saw how vulnerable she was. It was hard to hold back my tears. I don’t know how to break the subject. I don’t like to see her in this situation. She’s very different from the Nina I know. After she broke into tears, and got her composure, she apologized. It took her years keeping all what she felt, and I was the first person who listened to her hurt aches. She said “God is good, she gives me one person whom I can trust to listen without hesitation”. I’ve known Nina for 15 years I guess, but we just knew each other simply as associates, not really as friends. There are times she would ask me out to join her in a sales call but with my schedules, I don’t really have enough time. Maybe, those times, she thought I was the one to talk to…but I ignored. Years back I remembered, we would spend time talking about our work,  but never did I realized the pain she was going thru because it never showed in her.  Whenever we meet in the office i see how she wanted to be a friend, but i paid little attention. Now, I felt , I did the best thing, to listen, to make up for the lost opportunity of really getting to know her. This helped her, and the more that I felt I have a responsibility for a friend, not just an associate. To keep her going and to see that she recover, and get back on her toes again the way I know her. On my way home, I asked myself. Why me? What can I do to help her?  I know i did my part that i should have given before…by being a friend when she felt alone.  

Just a thought: Some people are cruel.  And fooling others is the name of their game. Why do people take advantage of ones goodness? We are not selfish to help. If one asks too much of what we can give, and feels bad when we can’t meet their demands, are we being selfish? And  is it bad when you trust without hesitation?  Why did she lost her family the time she needed them most? I  feel sorry for those people who fool others. Cannot they realize that once they loose one’s trust, it will take more than sweat to win it back?  The feeling of loosing our family teaches us something…to be stronger and not be too dependent. I know Nina will survive all of these. And our Wednesday coffees will never be the same as this wednesday.

On Motherhood

Today is Mothers Day! All nice messages filled my mobile, and I was able to send my greetings to all mothers that I know. It was quite a day, bonding moments with my family. Movie marathon is quite something to enjoy with. Visited my mother in law early evening to greet her as well. I’ve been hugged and kissed all the time by my loving daughter who cooked something special for me. She does it mostly on weekends and this day is quite special because she added my favorite dessert.

How time flies….I’ve come a long way as a Mom. I cant remember having the same celebration when I was young. Mother’s Day I guess was just an ordinary thing then. Now mothers are rewarded for their hardwork and extra mile care for the family. They say “motherhood is a tough 24-hr job, no pay, no day-off, most often unappreciated and yet resigning is impossible.” Let me think….is it a sign of complain? I was only 22 when I gave birth. There was a mixed feeling of worry and happiness. Being a mother is the true essense of womanhood. I was too young, hardly know anything on motherhood and to the rescue was my mom who impatiently teaches me the do’s and dont’s of rearing my child. It was indeed a tough job. Unappreciated? No mother is perfect anyway. No material thing can measure the appreciation of the family on mothers care and sacrifices. I remember raising my child with some guiding rules in the house. I was strict, yes. There was a time I felt I was loosing her. And she felt i’m not pleased. I guess every mom and daughter comes to that point on their child’s teenage years. It was not only me, but with the influence of our spiritual faith that held us closer. Raising her on sunday schools and church is one big help. No pay, no day off ? Being a mother needs no financial reward, and we cannot afford to have a day off because, we’d rather spend a week off, still with them at sight. We enjoy more of each moment if we have our day offs with them. No mother can exchange precious quality time with the family to anything else. Resigning is a word not used in motherhood. Few years from now, I know my daughter will have a family of her own, but my being a mother will remain always with endless love and care.

35 Degrees and a Drama

It’s april the 15^th and i’m punished by the steamy temperature of the day. Walking along the busy streets of Ayala, I decided to take a cab on my next stop to reward myself after making one positive morning call. I was about to request the driver to lower the volume of his radio when the news caught my attention. “A radio anchorman rushed his wife to the hospital for gun shot wound”. Getting more information on the subject, the cab told me account of the news. The question was, “was it suicide or was there foul play?”. Familiar with the radioman’s hard commentaries, I asked myself…”was it payback time or something?”. News anchor has a big effect to media since they’re the ones who feed us with political and national news updates. Most often than not, they target on the negative ones that will cause big effect to the people. And from these news comes out our emotions. Just like how I reacted while I was listening to the news.

See how peoples mind work? I am yet to know the story and here I am assuming things…how would I know anyway?  For us who watched the drama, we can’t help but sympathize to those relatives pushed, collared and handcuffed. I can only hear police stories on how they handle their catch, but seeing it happen LIVE on national television, brutally…there’s a feeling of fear. The tears and screaming that I heard while they were being arrested are still vivid in my mind. The daughters breaking voice as she request to leave them alone touched my heart. Truly, it should only be one domestic problem and for her, to be shown on national tv is an embarrassment to them. I’m on her side. I wonder how this will affect her and her younger sister. It’s our nature to react to these kind of news. And have compassion to feel the pain of those abuse and hurt. The drama is not yet over but life goes on and people will surely wait for the end of the story. Tonight, I offered my prayer to strengthen them…

Honesty…Still the Best Policy

 I’m just being “honest”. These are the very words of my sister who had an interview at the embassy. She was petitioned by my mom to join her in a foreign land. Allowed to be petitioned are children who are still unmarried. The filing was years back when she was still single. But the approval was released when she was already married and had a baby. The interview went smoothly and when the deciding question was asked on her civil status, she told the consul honestly “i’m already married”. Breaking on one of the requirements, she was expecting a non approval of travel. She took it openly in her heart. and I admired the consul who praised her for her honesty. She gave up the opportunity that most of us wanted. But she was happy enough. She told me, it’s hard to lie. How many will have the same stand on honesty? It is indeed hard to lie, the truth will always come out. So why cant a person be honest for once and tell the truth. That truth may hurt us, or hurt the other person, but as long as you were honest enough to express yourself (in an unoffensive way), being honest is still the best. If we get used to lying, it becomes a habit..and once it becomes a habit, it forms ones character..

Honesty please….that will make us a better person. And will surely build bridges of good relationships.

Beginnings….

Sometimes in our life, we just feel the urge of keeping something in our box of thoughts. Good or bad memories sealed with keys…..hoping that it will be swept away in time. But little did we know that these are life’s lessons. I used to keep a diary when i was growing up. Posted with daily activities, it left me bored until I gave up. But as days go by, there are moments in my life that I regret not keeping diaries of  the most important events in life. I should have kept the details intact. That way I can see the changes in my life.

This will be a start of a new chapter in my memory bank. And i’m happy that you will be part of it.